To Love and Honor
by someoneiusedtobe
Summary: (H S) A take on the circumstances of Horatio's divorce.
1. To Love and Honor pt1

L.T. Horatio Caine reclined in his chair as he finally set a small silver flip phone to rest firmly on his desk. He'd been listening, again and again, to the same troubling message from his wife for the past five minutes. Reading into every word, he prepared to face what he finally admitted to himself as what would, no doubt be the last lingering days of his once stable marriage. They had really been in love once, or so he had thought, but she had changed so much over the years he found himself struggling to remember what it was they found in each other, ten years ago. Perhaps he had changed too. More than he'd noticed. His changing wasn't new though, because, unlike her, he was changing back. Back into someone he'd been long before he met her. Some slightly more naive, but far less jaded. He found fleeting contentment in knowing his work day was closing up and at the least he could get away from people a while. If he had any luck there would be some coffee left in the break room to kill the last few minutes of work.  
  
He, apparently, had no luck. The half-sip of this morning's coffee left in the pot mocked Caine's good fortune. Instead he helped himself to a bottle of water to pass the minutes, before grabbing his keys and heading out to the parking lot. The office's large car lot was near entirely vacant, but a familiar voice traveled softly through the empty lot to catch Horatio's attention. A short distance away, Tim Speedle stood aside his car with another man, a stranger to Caine. H was just out of reach to hear exactly what was said and had no intention of intruding, but to Horatio's eyes something was strange about this picture. It took only an instant for the veteran CSI to spot the defensive nature to the way Tim stood; leaning slightly away from the man, with arms ready at his sides. Caine stopped shuffling through his keys to keep an eye on the situation. Tim began to step away, when the man took him roughly by the arm. Instinctively Speed recoiled and the other man's hand moved, gripping the back of Tim's neck to pull him aggressively close. Pocketing his keys Horatio moved quickly across the lot.  
  
"Hey, Speed." He spoke sternly to divert the man's attention, but neither reacted. "Is there a problem here?" In and instant the man had removed his hand from Speed's neck only to strike a sharp backhand across Tim's face. "Hey!" H hollered, "Get back! Get back from him and get your hands where I can see'em! What's your name, pal?"  
  
"Jeff." The man muttered and changed from foot to foot in annoyance of this intrusion. Tim had turned away from both of them and was currently pinching his nose in an effort to slow the bleeding.  
  
"Well, _Jeff_. That was assault. You alright, Speed? You know this guy?"  
  
"Yah, uh yah, I'm fine. I know him, H. Don't worry about it." Tim's words spluttered as he spoke through the blood he was trying to soak up on his sleeve. Caine turned and looked Jeff over suspiciously.  
  
"I think you oughta _leave_, Jeff."  
  
"Hey, look, this isn't any of your--"  
  
"Business? I work in _law enforcement_, Jeff. You just committed a crime here and _that's_ my business, but more importantly you've assaulted a good friend of mine, and I think it's time you left before you do anything else that becomes _my_ business." Devoid of Horatio's notice Tim was watching him as he spoke. Speed loved the way H could be so subtlety intimidating, but had never before known how much he enjoyed hearing it until it was in his own defense. Despite his anger Jeff had now become aware of the serious turn the situation had taken and left after a few frustrated glances.  
  
"How's the nose?" H asked, guiding Speed to a seat against the hood of his car.  
  
"It's fine. I think I have some Kleenex in the glove compartment. Would you..." As Speed's hand motioned in the direction of the passenger door, H was already retrieving some tissue.  
  
"Who was that guy?" Caine handed over the tissues and examined the rest of his friend's battered face.  
  
"Jeff is... Jeff was, um, he's the guy I've been seeing." Speed felt foolish to say it. Especially to H. He wasn't sure if his embarrassment came from never really having spoken to Horatio about things like his sexual preference, or rather because Tim had now been exposed for his association with guys like Jeff.  
  
_Boyfriend._ That was the answer H was dreading most. He knew Tim well enough to be familiar with the ghosts in his closet; some struggles addiction and trouble with depression, but to his knowledge Tim had cleaned up amazingly and had never been involved in any kind of physical abuse.  
  
"Jeff ever done that before?" H was afraid to ask. Tim sniffed away a trickle of blood, and straightened the Kleenex in his fingers.  
  
"No." He stated, regretfully knowing it wasn't the truth. He feared lying to Horatio, knowing the man had a remarkable bullshit detector and it was no doubt sounding all alarms. It was true, H wasn't entirely convinced by the response, but none the less accepted it, for the time being. Gently tilting Tim's head with a light touch to his chin, Speedle saw the meek wince cross his Lieutenant's face.  
  
"You've got a bad cut above you eye here. He must've had a ring on." He dabbed the blood from abrasion softly, and squinted, "Doesn't look like it'll need stitches though. You gonna be alright?" As much as Horatio didn't want to leave Tim like this, or chance Jeff's return, he knew it wasn't his place to butt in any further.  
  
"I'll be alright. He won't come back. And he doesn't have a key to my place or anything." Tim looked up to find H with his head cocked slightly to one side, in that charming way he does when he's trying to make you look him in the eye. If Horatio had one potentially deadly weapon against Tim, it was those icy blue eyes. They could be fixed just so, that when unleashed upon him, Tim could feel the shiver creep down his spine as he was exposed for everything he was, and there wasn't a thing he could do to hide it. Speed couldn't tell if H knew the full power he wielded with that look, but that he must have been mildly aware of its potential, because he knew to turn it loose when he needed a complete and unadulterated truth. As luck would have it Caine broke his gaze, before Tim cracked, to scribble on a business card with a pen he took from his pocket.  
  
"You've got my cell number, but take this. That's _my_ number. My home number. Call if you need me. Doesn't matter what time. Just call." Those eyes of his became beautifully serious again, and Tim was unsure if he'd just swallowed his own tongue, after hearing that offer. He wondered if H had _any_ idea how Tim much might '_need him'_.  
  
"Thanks...Thank you." He choked.  
  
"You're always welcome, Tim. You take care." The mention of his first name was not lost on Tim. H almost never called him that. Unless of course he was being perfectly sincere. Getting in his car, Speed waited 'til H had driven from sight and he examined the small paper card.  
  
_ Call me ANYTIME_  
_ 555-8252_  
  
The brief note brought Tim a smile, but that precious thought was slowly strangled as the reality of his situation sunk in again. He wasn't in love with Jeff. In fact he didn't even like him all that much, but at least he wasn't alone. At least he had someone to come home to and wake up to and that was all it took to make him feel right these days. Being with anyone was so much better than being alone. As of now, he was on his own again, and there was little else that Tim was more afraid of. 


	2. To Love and Honor pt2

Horatio stood on the balcony of his apartment and enjoyed the night view he had from the 22nd floor. He drank a beer and tried his best to take the shouting of the woman, from behind the bathroom door, all in stride. He considered how he used to look at her, the way newly weds do, but these days, when he looked at her, all he really thought about was pin pointing where they'd lost each other.  
  
"You're not the only cop in the city! You could skip a few calls every now and then!! If you'd just turn the phone off a few nights a week!" Cynthia never used to be so quick to anger, he thought, watching her storm around in her house coat getting ready for bed. It felt like the millionth time he'd heard this argument. "Honestly, Horatio, I find it difficult to believe you spend _all_ that time at work. Where the hell do you go at four in the morning?" Truthfully, he did spend most of that time working, because sometimes it was just easier. Easier than watching what was happening to them. Especially since the time he'd seen her out with another man. It was a date. There was no mistaking it. He'd thought of confronting her with it but he never did. He didn't know what he'd do if he heard her admit it. Or worse, deny it.  
  
Returning to the kitchen, he answered the ringing phone and received a crossed arm glare from Cynthia, whom he'd forgotten had been speaking to him.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"H? It's me..." Tim's voice was humbled and quiet.  
  
"Hey. What's up? You ok?" As Horatio recognized the voice he turned from the lady wearing the robe and the scowl.  
  
"Ya, I'm ok...sorry, it's so late..." Tim worked to keep his voice from slurring.  
  
"Don't worry about it. I'm still up. What can I do for you?"  
  
"If it's not too much trouble... I could... I could really use a ride."  
  
"No problem. Where are you?"  
  
Cynthia mumbled to herself, listening to her husbands half of the conversation.  
  
"Ok. I'm on my way." He finished and grabbed his keys.  
  
"Where are you going!?" She demanded, "It's nearly three!"  
  
"I have to go out. Favor for a friend." The vagueness of his response only pushed her annoyance further. Approaching the kitchen counter she swiftly slapped her small gold wedding band down.  
  
"If you walk out of here, I swear Horatio, don't bother coming back in the morning." She pushed. He pushed back. Delicately placing his identical gold band beside hers, he turned and locked the door behind him. 


	3. To Love and Honor pt3

Tim watched the beams, cast by the lights of the hummer cascade over him, as it pulled up next to his car. The engine stopped, the door shut, but Horatio's approaching foot steps were to faint to be heard against the steady sigh of the ocean. H sat himself beside the young man and neither spoke a word. Lazily studying the horizon with tried eyes, Tim breathed deep and teased himself with the idea that he might end up spending the night on this beach with Horatio. A swarm of overly erotic thoughts made his pulse quicken, until the rational side of his mind shook some sense into him. It was one thing to express to a friend that you don't want to be lonely, it was quite another to explain how you want them to ease your loneliness. Eventually, Caine gave Tim a nudge upon seeing the empty bottle in the sand.  
  
"You drink that whole thing?" His words were far more curious than disapproving.  
  
"No.", was Tim's inital response, soon followed by a more detailed version of the truth. "Well...most of it."  
  
"Good thing you didn't try to drive."  
  
"Couldn't have, if I wanted to." Tim sighed, "I locked my keys in the car."  
  
"Rough day." H rose and offered his hand. "Me too." The words were so faint Tim scarcely heard them. It made him wonder if he was meant to hear them or if Horatio had spoke them only for his own ears. "I'm glad you called. C'mon I'll take you home."  
  
Tim looked up at the tall, handsome redhead, extending a hand before him. Sometimes Tim believed he was in love with him, but the mere idea seemed the fantasy of a hopeless romantic. Tim didn't exactly have a reputation of being gutsy or bold when it came to his feelings, but he'd always promised himself that someday, if he had the right moment, he'd take his chances with Horatio. Speed took the offered hand and H hoisted him to his feet, steadying him as he stood.  
  
"Easy." H chuckled, "Think you can make it to the car?"  
  
"Ya, I can—"Were the only words Speed managed, before he'd stumbled over his own sandy feet. "Maybe not." He admitted. Horatio simply smiled, hung Tim's arm over his shoulders and hooked his own arm around Tim's waist.  
  
"No problem. I'll get you there."  
  


--------------------  


  
City lights flickered on the windows of the vehicle as they moved through the streets in silence. Neither spoke but every so often one would check the other with a sidelong glance, as if to make sure they didn't just say something. Speed was waiting, hoping Horatio would speak, as the silence bored into his mind making the situation reek of tension.  
  
"Your apartment key locked up too?" Horatio spoke to break his train of thought, and Tim breathed relief from the stillness. H had not been thinking about keys. His cluttered head was having trouble focusing on anything since he'd handed over his ring, without batting an eye. It wasn't exactly something one could easily take back. Caine fought to rationalize why he'd given it all up so readily. Maybe it was purely for the chance to help a friend. Maybe it was for Tim.  
  
"One is. I keep a spare outside the door though." Both men fell back into silence wishing that conversation could have taken up a bit more time. Tim might have been drunk but he didn't have to be sober to see something was off about Horatio. He seemed forcedly calm, as he poured all his focus inward. His mood backed up his assertion of having had a bad day, and made Speed eager to know what was eating at him. "What happened?"  
  
"What?" Horatio stirred as Tim's voice woke him from thought.  
  
"What happened? You said you had a bad day too."  
  
"Oh." He paused, forgetting he had mentioned it. "Just umm, I suddenly took a big step in a new direction." Tim watched as H sighed, drew his hand through his hair and returned it to its place on the steering wheel. Nice hands, Tim thought, before noticing a distinct tan line on his ring finger.  
  
"H?"  
  
"Ya?"  
  
"Where's your ring?"  
  
"It's... it's broken." 


	4. To Love and Honor pt4

Feeling around atop the door frame of his apartment Tim located his key and gestured Horatio in before him. Crossing towards the fridge Tim tossed the key down.  
  
"Get you anything?" Tim offered out of habit. Not that he really had anything much to offer.  
  
"No, thank you." Horatio took in the apartment around him. It wasn't at all extravagant, but there were items about the place that seemed so very Tim. H breathed in, it unmistakably smelled like Tim. It was nice.  
  
"Make yourself at home then. Unless...you probably oughta get back to your wife." Tim wondered if that had sounded as bitter as it had in his head. He wasn't a particularly jealous guy by nature, but he'd met Cynthia once or twice and was never able to picture her with a man like Horatio.  
  
"No rush." H shrugged. No rush at all. It wasn't as though he had anywhere else to be anymore. On top of which he felt bad enough for having left Tim earlier. He was concerned of the safety in leaving him again. "I can hang around, if you'd like the company." Something in side him, was begging Tim to say yes, and it had nothing to do with Horatio's hatred for sleeping in hotels.  
  
"Couldn't hurt." Glasses clinked on the shelf as Tim produced a shot glass from the cupboard and proceeded to uncap a new bottle.  
  
"Whoa, slow down, Tim." Horatio moved in close behind him and eased the bottle from his hand. "I don't think you need any more tonight."  
  
Tim paused to feel so much of Horatio's body against him again. He leaned into him and turned to see his face before realizing, H _was_ taking his liquor.  
  
"C'mon, I just need a little more." Speed protested reaching to get the bottle back. "Just so I can get some sleep." Tim thought H was complying when he removed the cap, but much to Speed's horror he placed the bottled upside down in the drain of the sink. "Hey!" Tim made another move for his drink, but was abruptly halted by Horatio's sturdy hands firmly seizing his shoulders.  
  
"Tim! Tim, why are you doing this? You said you'd beaten this..." Horatio's eyes fell heavily upon his and Tim's face was immediately swallowed up with an over bearing look of utter disappointment. Tim hit a dead end, his brain scrambled for an excuse but no matter where he turned, he just couldn't see himself slipping out of the noose of truth this time. Crossing his arms about himself, he leaned against the counter and dropped to the floor. H crouched next to him searching his friend for an answer. "Tim? Talk to me. Please, Tim explain this."  
  
"I never gave anything up. I just kept changing." Tim hugged his knees close to him.  
  
"What?" Horatio's question came more from shock than, confusion. All this time he couldn't believe Speedle had hide everything from everyone. Particularly, from him.  
  
"When I gave up the pills, I started with liquor, when I gave that up... I started seeing guys like Jeff. And I knew when he left, I could find something else." Tim wiped his eyes and H shuddered to think what terrible form of self abuse Tim might have taken up next. "I can't do it alone, H. I'll do whatever it takes to keep me from being alone or at least from feeling alone. I just got better at hiding it. I didn't want to lose my job. I love my job. I'm so sorry, Horatio. I'm so sorry." A steady stream of tears began their way down his cheeks. He sat, terrified of having, so hastily, admitted all his failure and feared that H may never forgive him. He wanted desperately to be better than he was and a piece of him knew he'd never be able to hide all his short comings forever. "I tried H. I really tried. I just can't do it on my own. I've ever been ok on my own. It's just too hard."  
  
Assault victims, rape victims, any number of traumatized and panicked people, Horatio was more than capable of dealing with. Bringing calm in distressing circumstances was a part of his everyday life, but right here, this all too familiar situation seemed so foreign, as it was someone so close to him.  
  
Standing, Caine turned and threw open the liquor cabinet violently enough that the hinges cracked. Viciously he grabbed bottle after bottle, wrenched off the tops and threw them into he sink. Speed rose cautiously as the bottles cracked and several shattered against each other.  
  
"Horatio?" He felt childish speaking so timidly, but the more he watched Horatio, the more fearful he became of this temper he'd never seen before. Caine ignored the soft mention of his name and upon running out of liquor bottles he stormed into the bathroom and attacked the medicine cabinet in the same manner, pouring pills into the small waste basket. Tim had followed him but stopped at a safe distance just beyond the bathroom door. "Horatio?" He nearly stuttered, "Are you—"  
  
Looking sternly into Tim's warm brown eyes, Horatio found his reasons and rationale. He'd already taken one large, sudden step today, there was nothing stopping him from taking another. He stepped.  
  
All at once, one swift fist was clutching the collar of Tim's shirt, and a heavy hand landed on his shoulder pinning him back against the wall. Before Tim could speak, before he could as much as blink, Horatio's mouth had landed firmly on his own. It started rough, demanding reciprocation, but before long Tim found himself softly pleading kisses from the warm lips against his. Slowly Horatio relented and Tim looked back at him as confused as he was aroused.  
  
"I'm sorry." H confessed, "I'm sorry, Tim, I missed it all. I should have seen it. I'd have been there if I'd known. I'd have done something more, a long time ago." 


	5. To Love and Honor pt5

Speedle held to Horatio for dear life. It wasn't that either of them was going anywhere, only that Tim was compelled by the notion that if he didn't hang on to him right now, he might never be given such a chance again. But why now? Why him? Tim was searching those refreshingly blue eyes for answers to his questions, when a creeping hang made its way beneath his shirt to stroke his lower back, and he lost all conscious thought.  
  
Watching Speed's eyes fall shut, Horatio thumbed the collar of Tim's dark pinstriped shirt and couldn't resist helping himself to taste the man's neck. His mouth began near the Adam's apple, then to the collar bone and before Tim's eyes had opened again his shirt was on the floor beside him. Horatio's hands were quickly growing less inhibited, and Speed was delighted to find his own quiet moaning was feeding that desire. The two were running in a vicious circle, each fueling the other's arousal. H's hands dropped to grab Tim at the hips and pulled Speedle tight, against him. The pressure between them weakened Tim's knees, as his relax fit jeans suddenly seemed far too snug. Horatio's tongue intruded into the young man's mouth and as sinfully alluring as Tim had always found an impassioned H, he couldn't fight the urge to turn the tables on him. Taking down Caine's shirt until it hung from his wrists, Tim twisted the sumptuous material into a sturdy knot behind his lover's back, and grinned the most devilish smirk, that had H straining against the makeshift bonds. Tucking his hand between Horatio and his belt, Tim tugged lightly and whispered into Horatio's lips.  
  
"Bed." Despite his teasing Tim lustfully awaited the next time Horatio could get his hands on him. Speed had a playfully mischievous nature that could not be contained. He was excited to see just how long H could put up with having his hands tied before he lost that unbreakable control of his.  
  
Sitting on the edge of Tim's bed, H had been watching him as he moved about the room to close the window. There was no question about it; Tim was a stimulating sight, for lovelorn eyes. Jeans, hanging on his hips. Face, flushed. Eyes, dark and dilated. Horatio tried to regulate his breathing. Tim straddled H's lap and guided the man onto his back. Horatio was quickly becoming frustrated with the incapacitation of his arms and hands. Tim's trained fingers made short work of Horatio's belt and fly, before he took a second to look down. Black boxer briefs. Tim smiled.  
  
Horatio arched his body to meet Tim's grinding hips, and a low resonating growl unintentionally erupted from deep within his chest. Tim eye's widened at his excitement with the delightful sound. Horatio was nearly shaking with anticipation. He lay still, laboriously trying to calm his body.  
  
"Tim." The throaty voice instantly had Speed's attention. He looked down at Horatio, half begging, half demanding. "Please." Horatio officially couldn't take it any more, and Tim idly wondered how long he had lasted. No sooner had Tim loosened the material knotted around his lover's wrists then he found himself, enfolded in the man's strong arms. Horatio's hands moved and explored to make up for the time they lost, held hostage behind his back.  
  
His eyes squeezing shut, Caine reveled in the sounds of Tim's breathing becoming heavier and uneven. The body against him began to tremble, as Speed's temperature climbed feverishly. The pace between them of rhythmic, wanton thrusting greatly quickened. Tim's fingers raked down Horatio's back. Horatio's eyes blinked open in time to see Tim, back arched, gasping for air, as they drown in an urgent explosion of the pleasure of original sin.  
  
Momentarily, there was nothing. Just darkness. As if everything had briefly ceased to exist. Slowly, Tim's senses began their return to him. He didn't remember either of them lying down like this and assumed they must have collapsed. The dull thumping of Horatio's heart brought him around and he opened his eyes. Taking a breath, it felt like his first in far too long. Made him wonder how long he'd been holding it. H wasn't much livelier. He lay still with a look of gratuitous contentment and his hands beneath his head. The easing of Horatio's once rapid heartbeat soften the noise. Tim frowned as its resonance fell out of ear shot. Shifting around, he laid his head to Horatio's chest and let his eyes slip shut. 


	6. To Love and Honor pt6

The morning light flickered across the room between the shades and Speedle's eyes tried to focus. He lazily studied the body asleep beside him, with an expression so candid and genuinely relaxed. Speed frowned trying to hold onto the moment before his mind began to process things and ultimately ruin the flawlessness of everything. He closed his eyes again. What he would give to just stay here forever, with Horatio. His _boss_, Horatio. His formerly _straight_ boss. Suddenly it became exceedingly difficult to swallow. As much as Tim was enjoying his current situation with a man whom he'd adored from a far for much too long, he hated being that guy someone experiments with. That guy never exists beyond that one night, he'd learned that first hand. It was never a good thing to be a straight man's first 'guy'. When Tim opened his eyes again several minutes had passed, and his stomach fought a losing battle to his building nervous tension. He didn't want to be here to see Horatio wake up, and the regret consume him. Slipping out of the covers he jumped into the nearest pair of jeans he could find being careful not to wake the man in his bed. Each tooth the zipper fly passed sounded like the violent stroke of a typewriter against the glassy silence of room. Turning to find a shirt Tim stopped a moment and the though of how things at work would be between them, when Horatio woke to wish they'd never done this. He didn't think he could take being someone H could never look in the eye. Tim's search for his clothes became more desperate as his need to get away from the mess he'd created grew. A quiet morning murmur broke the silence, and Tim felt indescribably uneasy being so terrified by such subtlety inviting noise.  
  
"You can go." The words seemed to leave Tim's mouth before his mind thought them up. Horatio rubbed his eyes, not quite certain that Tim had actually said something. Tim made sure he looked extremely busy as he continued his search for a clean damn shirt, but he could feel H looking at him. Horatio finally spoke.  
  
"What?" But Tim didn't answer, "Do you want me to--" Horatio began again but Tim cracked.  
  
"I know this is awkward and you wanna get the hell outta this whole situation and probably never think of it again, but you don't wanna be rude about it or whatever, well its ok I get it. We fooled around, now your experimenting is over and we're done here." Tim spoke without a breath or a pause. His speech fueled by nerves, maybe a little anger but mostly a panicked attempt at some sort of 'hurt-him-first-and-he-can't-hurt-me' defense. _Fuck the shirt_, Tim thought, I'_ve gotta end this conversation, and get outta here.  
_  
"Experiment? Tim, wait a minute." He heard the words from Horatio but didn't acknowledge them as he made a quick escape from the bed room, forgetting the need for the rest of his clothes.  
  
Speed scanned the apartment looking for something he could busy himself with, thinking how much easier it would be to escape if it was Horatio's place instead. H was standing at the other end of the kitchen looking right at him. In his mind Tim could picture just how he was standing and the look that was no doubt all over his face.  
  
"What makes you think—", Horatio began in his intensely calm voice.  
  
"Please," Tim growled, "Don't sugar coat this. That's not how it works now. You wake up, remember what we did then go home and we spend the rest of our lives pretending it never happened."  
  
Horatio's expression sharpened as his distaste for the conversation grew. Each word seemed nothing short of an insult to everything he felt for the man he'd spent the night with. His still silence made Tim nervous enough to glance away from making coffee. Catching a glimpse of Horatio, Speed realized he'd been followed from the bed room so quickly H didn't bother to dress. Instead he wore a bed sheet around his waist, held up by no more than the material gathered in his fist. As much as Tim wanted to get a good look at Horatio in only the thin bedding, he found himself ensnared by those eyes with that look that could kill a man. That look belonged to Horatio, and it forced Tim to meet his lieutenant's gaze.  
  
"Is that what you want?" H's stony voice matched his severe stare, and Tim couldn't answer, nor did he notice that he was gradually being backed into the fridge. "If you can stand here and tell me, that ending this here and now is the way you want it, then I'll do that. For you, I would do that... What I think is that you're scared. But I don't know what it is you're so scared of." Tim gritted his teeth feeling the cold surface of the fridge against his bare skin. Horatio paused, and Tim wondered if an answer was expected of him or if he should just shut up and listen. Getting no response, H went on. "If I take off, and we forget all this, then everything goes back to the way it was and you don't have to deal with how life is gonna change again. That would be the easy way out, right? If we both just agreed I was experimenting." Horatio backed off slightly with a sigh. "Tim," he said, his sweeter voice having returned. "I'm in my forties. I've done all my experimenting." Horatio's free hand came to rest on Speed's side, moving in on him. Tim swallowed hard. He could feel the warmth of H's body from head to toe and their lips had become agonizingly close. Nose to nose, H whispered, "I'll leave if you _really_ want me to." Horatio cautiously closed any gap between them as his mouth eased onto Tim's. "But I certainly don't want to leave." Tim savored the feel of warm breath on his lips when Horatio whispered. "I want to have breakfast with you." 


	7. To Love and Honor pt7

The day just hadn't seemed the same. It was better. Unimaginably better, than any day he'd had in a long, long time. They had breakfast, they drove to work, and Timothy Speedle was doing everything he could to keep his smile down whenever he looked at Horatio. He tried to be serious about it but, that was proving more difficult than it sounded. He'd seen a side of Horatio no one at the office had the privilege of seeing and it was so much to keep in. As Tim sorted through some paperwork, Delko and Calleigh slipped into the room like wannabe spies. Tim shot them his best _what the hell_ look and shook his head.  
  
"What's with you two now?" So his curiosity got the better of him and these two also had one entertaining story or another.  
  
"Just, staying outta the war path." Delko joked, as he left the lab through another door. Calleigh bit her bottom lip, in upset agreement with whatever Eric had mentioned.  
  
"Ok. I'll bite." Tim admitted waiting for Cal to spill it. "What war path?"  
  
"I'm not spreadin' any gossip! I swore I wouldn't! You wanna know you go down to H's office and find out fer yerself." She wanted to tell, Tim saw that much written all over her face. He sat back a moment in mock annoyance that the office chatter box wasn't going to talk. Calleigh took the samples and paper work she needed and snuck out again, the way she snuck in. Tapping his pencil Tim looked anxiously around the room. If he just went down there a second, just to see. No one would notice.  
  
On his way down the hall, he'd taken noticed of the look on several faces. That strange combination of worry and amusement people get when there's fresh gossip being thrown around. He stood in the hall next to Horatio's office door, and realized something had cleared this entire hallway. The office door was shut and the blinds were drawn, turning it into Horatio's personal Fort Knox. Speedle feared _Mr. Internal Affairs_ had come back to tear another strip into Horatio and had to know for sure. Leaning on the wall next to the nearest window he strained himself to hear. It was worse. Much worse.  
  
"So, that's it then! It's just that easy for you!?" Were the words of a woman trying impeccably hard to not be screaming at the top of her voice.  
  
"Don't do that. Don't try to make me the bad guy here." Caine's voice didn't have the same strain on it. His voice came more from exhaustion and Speed whished he could see the look on his face when he spoke. "It's no easier for me than it is for you and you know that."  
  
"You just handed it over, Horatio! You didn't even think –" The voice stopped abruptly. "There's someone else isn't there?" A long paused thickened the tension that Speed could now feel through the walls. "Is that were you were last night!?! With some_ bimbo_!" Tim dropped his paperwork and he watched it sprawl out across the linoleum. He'd forgotten about that ring. Apparently they both had. 


	8. To Love and Honor pt8

"Cynthia, I'm not seeing '_some bimbo_'. Do you really think _I_ wasn't loyal to _you_?" Horatio's voice became startlingly rigid.  
  
"Then what _IS_ this about Horatio!? What are you trying to tell me!?"  
  
"Why did you bring this down here? This couldn't wait 'til I'm off work?" The question broke it. Up until now the conversation had been as civil as a marital argument could be, but now this was no longer an argument in an office. This was bordering on a cage match.  
  
"And _WHEN_ would that _BE_!? When was the last time you were _OFF work_? You spend all your time at this _damn office_!"  
  
Scraping his papers from off the floor in the hall, Tim was sure half the office had heard that, but pretended as though he hadn't. He cursed himself for having forgotten it. He'd so easily assumed they were separated, for a few _days_ in the least. Tim had no words. He didn't know if he was angry, or sad, or if this changed any of what had occurred last night. It meant something to Tim, not just the sex of course, but the promises H had made him. He said he would help him, that things were going to change. No one had ever made Tim such lofty promises, but their worth began to fade as Speed tried to narrow down exactly what point in this he had become the 'other man' of an affair.  
  
"Calm down. Calm down and I'll explain everything." Caine's voice made Tim, again aware of the conversation behind the door. "There are some things about me, you really don't know." With that his voice fell low, far to low for Tim to hear without actually being in the room. Reorganizing his collection of papers he debated hanging around to see this to its end, when the office commotion seemed to spring to life again.  
  
"Oh my god!" Rang from the shrill from the office, the door flew open, Cynthia marched herself right past Speed and out of the building.  
  
Tim froze in the hallway, praying he was alone there. Checking over his shoulder he sighed of relief, and carefully leaned through the doorway. Horatio sat motionless. His sunglasses hung from the finger tips of one hand, while the other hand covered his eyes, supporting his head. H had never looked so exhausted.  
  
"Horatio." The meek voice was enough to make Horatio jump, and looking up at the young man in the doorway H realized Tim had doubtlessly heard that conversation.  
  
"I'm sorry you had to hear--"  
  
"Horatio. How long had it been?" Speedle's voice was soft, with a frightened disbelief.  
  
"Tim--"  
  
"Just tell me exactly, how long had it been between the time you left her, and the time you came to me?" Tim was prepared to wait patiently. Horatio sighed and looked up into Speed's eyes.  
  
"Hours." He wasn't going to lie, even if this was putting head in a noose. He couldn't to lie to Tim. Speedle's jaw clenched and he swallowed roughly. With a stiff nod he dropped the folder of paper work on Horatio's desk.  
  
"Your paperwork, Lieutenant." And walked out. 


	9. To Love and Honor pt9

Tim's apartment seemed cold and empty. The sun had gone down, and he found himself in the same place he was a few days ago. The only difference was that this time he didn't even have anything left to drink. What he'd give for a couple of sleeping pills right now. He sank into the yielding cushions of the couch to think. He wasn't angry any more, just so sorely disappointed. How could he have been so naive as to think it was going to work out? If life had taught him anything time and time again it was that anything that perfect would never hold up. Tim felt sick to his stomach, knowing what had occurred between them was, on Horatio's part, out of confusion and anger towards his wife. What the hell had he become here, Tim thought. The home wrecker? The cheap fling? Maybe he was the rebound fuck. It seemed such a far fall from being the close friend he was a few days ago. His stomach continued to twist. It made him want to cry.  
  
Horatio lay, most uncomfortably, on the small, stiff couch next to his desk. It was undeniably office furniture. Looked nice, but as far as comfort went, it was worthless. It occurred to him he needn't bother lying down in the first place, knowing full well he wasn't going to sleep tonight, despite his exhaustion. It was his own fault, he thought. He deserved every bit of this for dragging Tim into his tribulations. His mind was racked with guilt and he questioned his own integrity, when he found all his thoughts were with Tim, and rarely for his trouble with Cynthia. He exhaled a wry laugh every time he heard her voice questioning _his_ loyalty. He hadn't seen anyone for the whole of their marriage, up until last night. His heart sank. He couldn't fool himself. Maybe, she had every right to question him. Sure, he had only turned to Tim as of the other night, but that man had been on his mind for years. And he did spend a lot of his time at the office, as much for his work as it was to spend time with Speed. Physically he had always been loyal, but for the better part of their marriage his heart had been somewhere else entirely. He still loved her. He was just no longer in love with her. They had both ignored their problems as a couple for far too long. It was time to fix things or move on. Leaping up and moving swiftly to his desk, Horatio swiped the nearest piece of paper he could find and began to write. Tim deserved an explanation. So much more than an '_I'm sorry_'. 


	10. To Love and Honor pt10

The work morning had passed uneventfully, as Tim had been trying to avoid H, and assumed he would be doing the same. Tim held the urge to talk to Horatio at bay by assuring himself that anything he had to say would probably be argued out of anger or spite, and would only make matters worse. Maybe irreparable. It's over, he kept telling himself, it didn't mean anything. At least it had been better than never knowing.  
  
"Hey, Timmy." Calleigh's voice cooed sympathetically. As it turned out, most of the office had heard the story now, or at least some version of it. "How are yuh?" Her southern accent got thicker when her voice took on certain tones. Concern was one of them.  
  
"I'll be alright." Was the most convincing reply Tim could come up with.  
  
"So... just out of curiosity..." she began sweetly, "There any chance you two might..." Tim looked at her and raised an eyebrow.  
  
"I dunno." In all honesty he'd been wondering himself.  
  
"I know it's not really my place, but Horatio's never been the kinda guy who jumps into things on a whim, yuh know?" She mentioned with a gesture of her hands, as she always did when making a point.  
  
"Yah... so." Tim couldn't help but feeling a little more prone to talking with Calleigh, she always did do her best to show someone their silver linings.  
  
"Well, it just seems to me that if he got himself into all this so quickly, he probably_ thought_ he had a plan, right? I mean maybe he didn't so much as leave her and find you, as he left her, _for_ you. I --" The click of the heavy glass door, sounded behind him and cut Calleigh off. By her reaction alone he knew exactly who it was. "I'll just get out of your way then." She said quickly slipping off.  
  
"Morning." The morose voice mentioned, in tones of surrender. Tim refused to turn around let alone respond. It was his fear of not being able to keep control of himself when he was with this man, which kept Tim from confronting Horatio. "You don't have to say anything. I understand, I'll leave you be... I just wanted you to have this." Tim heard something tap faintly as it was set down on the table top and the door open again. "Take care, Tim." Tim looked suspiciously at the lab counter as his eyes fell on the neat white envelope resting there, so solitary. The least he could do was read it, he supposed.  
  
Tim didn't waste a second before rushing into the hall to catch up with Horatio. Instead he nearly plowed over Calleigh on her way to DNA lab.  
  
"Whoa! Reckless driver!" Calleigh teased, as several of her papers shuffled to the floor.  
  
"Sorry." He said, his voice clearly hurried. "Where's H?"  
  
"He's just leaving—"  
  
"Dispatch?" Tim interrupted, disorderly restacking her notes. "I didn't get a call."  
  
"No...I mean he's _leaving_... with _her_... for a few days. I hear they're gonna try to work things out, or at least work the divorce out, I'm not sure..." Tim didn't wait too hear Calleigh's last few words. He rushed through the office halls, to the front of the building dodging people as he went. "Tim! This one isn't mine!" She called after him upon noticing the small handwritten note he'd left amongst her case files. Curiosity getting the better of her she unfolded it.  
  
_Tim,  
I never intended things to blow up like this. You need to know, what happened between my wife and I, is no fault of yours. It's mine and been a long time coming. I don't remember when I fell out of love with her, but I do remember exactly when I first recognized my attraction to you. It was only in the last few weeks, that I realized you'd become more than an attraction. You've become someone I need. That one person I look forward to seeing everyday. That will never change. I don't want you to doubt anything I told you that night, or any of the promises I made. I will always be around for you, but you don't deserve to be caught in the middle of my marriage, and I'm sorry I've hurt you. I realize I already may have lost you, and if I have, then I can only say this will always be my life's biggest regret, but I have to clear things up with Cynthia and when I do, I'll be back. If you can't forgive me, I'll understand, but I will always be waiting for the day you do._  


_ H_  


  
Calleigh's eyes rounded, _boy_, she thought, _H sure could write_. Reaching the entrance steps of the office Tim looked out over the parking lot in time to watch the hummer pull away. 


End file.
